Forever Running pt. 1

5/16/09-
I am so tired. A long day made hellish by a commute entrapped between endless lines of steel. The beautiful morning sun rendered ugly by its glint on hundreds of cars that never change. The glow of a fading, golden sky ruined by stop and go traffic, the red lights turning into a flowing blood-red river in front of my bleary eyes. I curse the noise and pollution of the city after leaving the quiet morning peace of my suburban home. I curse the desolate emptiness and flickering screens of televisions on the row after row of sunken, slumped residential houses. And god! tonight I sat in my car, the interior silent except for the eternal ticking of the cooling engine, ticking louder and louder, punctuating a wasted life, time hissing away into the dark. I was afraid. Afraid to go in to my wife and her world of repetitive madness. Afraid to start the car and drive off into the night, somewhere far away, but where? I was lost and afraid, mad at myself for being mad at the world. All I could do was think of lies to tell my waiting wife, pleasantries and lies about work. Lies to cover up the drowning sensation I feel in the office, lies to hide the shadows slithering over my heart at the thoughts of another day of meaningless forms and lines of code. What can I do? Sleep just holds dreams of further disappointment.......

The wind from the open window feels so good. It speaks to me of land beyond horizons and sights to breathe in. Maybe Ill go for a run.

6/3/09-
Damn! I have discovered a new world since last I wrote. I can feel the trapped despair underneath those words and see the frantic energy that was looking for an escape. Well I found it! That night I put on my Nikes and set out through the ghostly-silent side streets of West Seattle. The only goal in my head was loosing the black emotion for a few miles. In the time others were burying themselves in warm pillows and lover`s dreams I hit the open beach of Alki and the cold winds of coastal Washington. There was such a loneliness in those moments, a loneliness born of failure. Failure to find any real connection in the waking world. I saw then that the moon had risen out over the water, its light jumping over the waves in time with the bobbing lope of my stride. The streets of the great city shown powerfully through the inky darkness and suddenly I felt centered, connected. A connection to the simple exertion of running and the bright pinpoints of lights off through the night that spoke of life elsewhere in the world. It blew away the isolation of the past few years and provided a new state of mind awash with a picture of the night environment and the excitement it held for me. I ran deep and I ran strong, finding a well of energy that had lain dormant for many years. I returned to my house well after midnight and slept free of any pursuing dreams.